英语的笑话

英语的笑话

英语的笑话1

　　借公牛一用

　　Once upon a time, there lived a rich man, but he didn't know any words.

　　One day, one of his friends wanted to borrow an ox from him, so he wrote a note and asked his servant to take it to this rich man.

　　After the servant gave the note to the rich man, he pretended to be reading it and after a while, he said, "OK, I know. Go and tell your master, I'll go myself shortly.

　　从前，有个人很富有，但他不识字。

　　一天，他的一位朋友想向他借一头公牛，便写了个条，让仆人送到富人那里。 仆人把条子给了富人。富人便假装看了一会儿，然后说道：“好啦，我知道了。回去告诉你的主人，我马上自己过去。”

英语的笑话2

　　Midway Tactics

　　Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

　　The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"

　　The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"

　　The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".

　　中间战术

　　三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条商业街上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。

　　右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”

　　左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”

　　中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。

　　Very Pleased to Meet You

　　During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.

　　One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her, "I‘m going abroad tomorrow, but I‘d be very happy if we could write to each other." Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months.

　　Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.

　　Joan went there and said to the matron, "I‘ve come to visit Captain Humphreys."

　　"Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here," the matron said.

　　"Oh, that‘s all right," answered Joan. "I‘m his sister."

　　"I‘m very pleased to meet you," the matron said, "I‘m his mother!"

　　很高兴认识你

　　在第二次世界大战中，有许多年轻的妇女在军营中服役。琼.飞利浦斯是其中之一。她在一个大军营中工作，当然遇到了许多男士，包括军官和士兵。

　　一天晚上她在舞会上遇到了军官汉弗雷斯。他对她说，“我明天就要出国，但如果我们能够相互写信，我会很高兴。”琼同意了，于是他们几个月里一直通着信。

　　后来，他再没有来信。她收到了另一个军官的信，告诉她，他受伤了，住在英格兰的某个部队医院里。

　　琼到了医院，她对护士长说，“我来看望军官汉弗雷斯。”

　　“这里只有亲属可以探望病人。”护士长说。

　　“噢，是的，”琼说，“我是他的妹妹。”

　　“很高兴认识你，”护士长说，“我是他的母亲。”

　　Two Soldiers

　　Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"

　　Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.

　　Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.

　　Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"

　　Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.

　　George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped.

　　"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.

　　George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"

　　两名士兵

　　军营里有二名士兵，一个叫乔治，一个叫比尔。乔治问：“比尔，你有信纸、信封吗?”

　　比尔说：“有。”然后把信纸和信封给了乔治。

　　乔治又说：“我还没有笔呢。”比尔又把自己的笔给了他。乔治开始写信。写完后把信放进信封里，又问：“比尔，你有邮票吗?”比尔给了他一张。

　　这时比尔站起来，向门口走去。乔治问：“你要出去吗?”

　　比尔说：“是的。”随即打开了门。

　　乔治说：“请帮我把这封信投进办公室的信箱里，还有...”他停住了。

　　“你还要什么?”比尔问。

　　乔治看着信封说：“你女朋友的地址是-?”

　　Five Months Older

　　The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.

　　But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.

　　"How old are you?" he said.

　　"Eighteen, sir," said John.

　　"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"

　　"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."

　　大五个月

　　第二次世界大战开始了，约翰想参军，可他只有十六岁，当时规定男孩到十八岁才能入伍。所以军医给他进行体检时，他说他已经十八岁了。

　　可约翰的'哥哥刚入伍没几天，而且也是这个军医给他做的检查。这位医生还记得他哥哥的姓。所以当他看到约翰的表格时，感到非常惊奇。

　　“你多大了?”军医问。

　　“十八，长官。”约翰说。

　　“可你的哥哥也是十八岁，你们是双胞胎吗?”

　　约翰脸红了，说：“哦，不是，长官，我哥哥比我大五个月。”

英语的笑话3

　　Walking up to a department store's fabric（织物，布） counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

　　"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk（假笑，傻笑） . "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

　　With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly（故意使人烦恼地） held it out.

　　The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer（老家伙） standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

　　一个漂亮的女孩走到百货公司的布料柜台，说：“我想要买这种料子来做一条新裙子，多少钱？”

　　“每码只需要一个吻。”男售货员说着，带着奸笑的表情“很好，”女孩说，“我要十码。”

　　带着期待的表情，售货员很快地量好了布料，包裹好，一脸奸笑地送了过来。

　　女孩很快收起了包裹，微笑着指向了一个站在她身边的'老头：“爷爷给我付账。”

英语的笑话4

　　吝啬鬼的餐会

　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"

　　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

　　一个声名狼藉的.小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

　　“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢?”

　　“天哪!” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧?”

英语的笑话5

　　In England nobody under the age of eighteen is allowed to drink in a public bar.

　　Mr. Thompson used to go to a bar near his house quite often，but he never took his son，Tom，because he was too young. Then when Tom had his eighteenth birthday， Mr.Thompson took him to his usual bar for the first time.They drank for half an hour，and then Mr.Thompson said to his son，“Now， Tom，I want to teach you a useful lesson.You must always be careful not to drink too much. And how do you know when you've had enough？ Well， I'll tell you.Do you see those two lights at the end of the bar？ When they seem to have become four，you've had enough and should go home.”

　　“But， Dad，” said Tom，“I can only see one light at the end of the bar.”

　　在英国，十八岁以下的人不准进酒吧喝酒。

　　汤普森先生以前常常去他家附近的一个酒吧喝酒，但他从来不带他的儿子汤姆去，因为他年纪太小。后来，当汤姆年满十八岁的时候，汤普森先生第一次带他去他常去的`那家酒吧。他们喝了半个小时，而后，汤普森先生对他儿子说：“汤姆，现在我要告诉你一个有益的教训。你必须时时小心不要喝得太多。你怎么知道你喝够了呢？好，我来告诉你。你看见酒吧那头有两盏灯吗？当那两盏灯看起来变成四盏的时候，你就喝够了，应该回家了。

　　“可是，爸爸。”汤姆说：“在酒吧那头我只能看见一盏灯。”

英语的笑话6

　　On a trip to Disney World

　　in Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.

　　As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Goodbye, Mickey."

　　Our daughter waved and said, "Goodbye, Minnie."

　　My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Goodbye, Money."

　　迪斯尼之旅 弗罗里达州的迪斯尼乐园是一个迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及两个孩子前往旅游，我们全身心地沉醉在它的各种奇观之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我们要回家了。

　　当我们驱车离开时，儿子挥手说：“再见，美奇。”

　　女儿挥着手说，“再见，美妮。”

　　丈夫也有气无力地挥了挥手，说道：“再见，美元。”

英语的`笑话7

　　A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University. “You can have no doubt,” shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I’ll leave Oxford this very evening!”

　　A buzzing noise followed. “What a man of actions!” one said in admiration. “How should we support him and learn from him!” said another.

　　Suddenly, a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?”

　　He bent and whispered to her, “Well,er???er???Miss Rose, er???he told me to get clean away from Oxford this very evening!”

英语的笑话8

　　a little boy asked his father, "daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

　　一个小男孩问他的父亲，“爸爸，要花多少钱才能结婚呢?”

　　and the father replied, "i don't know, son, i'm still paying."

　　“我也不知道，我现在还在交钱。”父亲回答。

英语的笑话9

　　款待Treat

　　As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was assigned a beat on the boardwalk. Hardly a day went by when I didn't come upon a child who had become separated from his parents.

　　One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost. I tried to gain his confidence - I took him to the nearest ice-cream stand and bought him a cone. Time passed with no sign of the boy's parents, so the next step was to call for a patrol car to take him to headquarters. I told the small fry to stay put while I went to the call box. When I returned, he was nowhere in sight.

　　Within minutes, the car arrived, and one of the patrolmen asked me where the child was. I felt stupid; it's humiliating to say you've lost a lost child. But I told the officers what had happened and gave a description of the boy. "What did you treat him?" asked one of the men.

　　"An ice-cream cone. Why?"

　　"Because," answered the officer, "that kid lives only a few blocks from here, and you've about the fifth rookie he's conned for a treat!"

　　我是新泽西州大西洋城警察局的一名新警察。我被指派巡逻一条海滨的路线，几乎每天都能碰上与父母走散的孩子。

　　一天下午，我发现一个小孩独自站在那里，显然是迷了路。我先是设法取得他的信任－我带他到附近的冰淇淋摊给他买了一个蛋筒。过了很长时间，也没看见他父母的影子，所以我就准备打电话叫辆巡逻车将他送回总部去。我告诉他站在那里别动，我去电话亭打电话。当我回来时，却发现他不知道到哪儿去了。

　　警车很快来了。一名警察问我小孩在哪里。我感觉自己傻极了，说自己弄丢了一个迷路的`小孩，该多丢人啊！但我还是告诉了警察们所发生的一切，并描述了一下小孩的长相。“你请他吃了什么？”一名警察问。

　　“一个冰淇淋蛋筒。怎么啦？”

　　“因为，”那名警察说，“那个小孩住的地方离这儿只隔几个街区。而你大概是新警察中帮他买东西吃的第五个傻瓜蛋！”

英语的笑话10

　　谁的儿子最伟大

　　The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'."

　　"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.

　　" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"

　　四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的'儿子。“我的儿子是个教士，”第一位母亲自豪地说道，“他进入房间，人们都说，‘您好，阁下’。”

　　第二为母亲说：“我的儿子是位主教。他进入房间，人们都称，‘您好，大人’。” “我的儿子是位红衣主教，”第三位母亲接着说，“他走进房间，人们都说，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。”

　　第四位母亲略思片刻。“我的儿子身高六英尺十，体重三百磅，”她说，“他要是走入房间，人们都说‘哦，我的上帝’!”

英语的笑话11

　　Navajo Message For The Moon

　　纳瓦伙族人给月球的讯息

　　When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew, who were walking among the rocks.

　　在美国国家航天局准备阿波罗航天计划时，他们让宇航员们去亚利桑那州纳瓦伙族保留区进行训练。某天，一位纳瓦伙族老人和他儿子遇见正在岩石间穿行的航空工作人员。

　　The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people:

　　老人问了航天局人员一个问题，但他只会说纳瓦伙族语，儿子帮他进行了翻译：

　　"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

　　“这些穿着厚重衣服的家伙在干嘛?”

　　One of the astronauts said they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

　　一个宇航员说他们正为去月球进行训练。当儿子传达给老人后，老人非常兴奋地问道能否请宇航员们为他向月球传递一条讯息。

　　A NASA official said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. But he refused.

　　航天局官员回答：“当然可以啦!”并吩咐下属拿来录音机。老人的留言非常简短，航天局官员问老人的'儿子可否告诉他们老人说了什么，但他拒绝了。

　　Finally, an official government translator was summoned. The translator relayed the message:

　　最后，他们请来了一位政府翻译员，他转述道：

　　"Watch out for these fellows! They have come to steal your land."

　　“小心这些家伙!他们来抢你们的领土了。”

英语的笑话12

　　He is really somebody!

　　" My uncle has 1000 men under him."

　　"He is really somebody. What does he do?"

　　"A maintenance man in a cemetery. "

　　他真是一个大人物!

　　“我叔叔下面有1000个人。”

　　“他真是一个大人物。干什么的?”

　　“墓地守墓人。”

英语的笑话13

　　Story19 Smart Robot Look, this robot carries boxes to build blocks! The new smart robot, Sorry, is 60 centimeters high. It weighs 7.5 kilogram. It has a camera “eye” on its head. It can recognize colors and human faces.

英语的笑话14

　　The young newly-weds quarrelad.At last she could bear it no longer and burst into tears.

　　一对年轻的新婚夫妇吵架了。最后妻子终于忍不住哭了起来。

　　“I don't want to have anything to do with you any more. l'm packing up my things and going off to mother."“Fine,my dear,said the husband.

　　“我不想跟你有任何瓜葛了。我要去收拾东西，离开这里回娘家去。”

　　”Here are the traveling expenses."She counted the money.“What about the money for the return ticket?”

　　“好，亲爱的，”丈夫说，“我给你路费。¨她数了数钱。”还有回来的'路费呢。”

英语的笑话15

　　After my husband，John，and I moved to Michigan from Nebraska，our new friends，proud of their beautiful tree一lined roads，teased us about the Mid-west's dull，flat，treeless land. When my parents，Nebraska farmers，visited us，I asked them about their trip.

　　我和丈夫约翰从内布拉斯加搬到密西根后，我们新认识的朋友们总为他们美丽的`林荫大过引以为荣.他们嘲讽我们的中西部平原荒凉、贫瘩，连株枯树都没有。后来我父母从内布拉斯加的老家来看我们，我问他们对旅途的感受。

　　What a boring drive，"my father replied."Once you get to Michigan, there's nothing to see but trees."

　　我父亲抱怨着:“枯澡，乏味，一进入密西根，除了树什么都没有。”

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