英语小笑话（精）
英语小笑话1
joe and fred were helping to build a house in a village. the weather was very warm, there was a lot of dust everywhere, and by half past twelve, they were very thirsty, so they stopped work to have their lunch. they found the nearest small bar, went in and sat down with their sandwiches.
乔和佛瑞德在一个村子里帮忙盖一间房子。天气很暖和，到处都有许多灰尘。12点半的时候，他们觉得非常口渴，便停下来去吃午饭了。他们找到最近的一家酒吧，走进去坐下吃他们的'三明治。
good afternoon, gentlemen. what can i get you? the man behind the bar asked.
下午好，先生。你们想要点什么?柜台后面的伺应问道。
joe looked at fred and said, beer, i think. yes, a pint of beer each. is that all right for you, fred?
乔看了看佛瑞德说：我想，啤酒吧。好，那就每人一品脱啤酒。这样可以吗，佛瑞德?
yes, that's all right. fred said. then he turned to the man behind the bar and said, and i want it in a clean glass! don't forget that.
好的，可以。佛瑞德说。然后他转过去跟柜台后面的侍应说：我要啤酒装在一个干净的杯子里!别忘了。
the man behind the bar filled the glasses and brought them to joe and fred. then he said. which of you asked for the clean glass?
柜台后面的侍应倒满杯子后，拿给乔和佛瑞德，接着说：刚才哪一位要干净的杯子的?
英语小笑话2
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment,he said,"Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow.When the door open,push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well,gosh," was the reply,"You're not coming empty-hangded,are you?
英语小笑话3
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."
一男子去酒吧，点了一杯啤酒。他喝了一口放下。当他环视酒吧时，发现一只猴子荡下来，在他阻止之前，偷走了啤酒。该男子问酒吧招待，这只猴子是谁的'。服务员回答说是钢琴手的。男子走到钢琴手面前问：“你知道你的猴子偷了我的啤酒吗？”钢琴手回答说：“没有，但是如果你能哼唱，我会为你演奏的。”
英语小笑话4
幸运的母亲
A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.
一位年轻的母亲认为，世界上还有许多受饥饿的人，浪费食物真不应该。有天晚上，在安排幼小的'女儿睡觉之前，她给女儿喂夜宵。她先给她一片新鲜的黑面包和黄油，但孩子说她不喜欢这样吃。她还要一些果酱涂在面包上。
Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.
母亲看了女儿几秒钟，随即说道，“露茜，当我像你一样小的时候，总是吃面包加黄油，或者面包加果酱，从来没有面包既加黄油又加果酱。”
Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren't you pleased that you've come to live with us now?"
露茜看了母亲一会儿，眼中露出怜悯的神情，然后她柔声说：“您现在能跟我们生活在一起难道不感到高兴吗?”
英语小笑话5
A farmer and his son, traveling by horse and buggy up a narrow lane, met a motorist going the other way. There was no room to pass for two miles in either direction. The motorist, in hurry,honked his horn.
"If you don't back up," said the farmer, rolling up his sleeves, "I won't like what I'm going to have to do." The surprised driver put his car in reverse and backed up two miles, allowing the horse and buggy to go by.
"What was it you wouldn't have liked to have done back there?" asked the farmer's son.
"Back up two miles," replied the farmer.
一位农民和他的儿子坐着马车来到一条狭窄的小巷， 他们看到一个司机正往他们这个方向开来。两个方向2英里以内已经没有空间让他们擦身而过了。司机焦急地按着喇叭。
“假如你不往后退，”农民撸着袖子说，“我并不喜欢我将要必须去做的.事。”司机甚是惊讶，挂了倒挡，退后了2英里，让马车先过去了。
“刚才你说你并不喜欢做的事是什么啊?”农民的儿子问。
“退后2英里。”农民回答。
英语小笑话6
it's not my fault
不是我的`错
mother (reprimanding训斥，谴责 her small daughter): you mustn't pull the cat's tail.
妈妈(正教训她的女儿)：你不该拽猫的尾巴。
daughter: i'm only holding it, mom. the cat's doing the pulling.
女儿：妈，我只是握着猫尾巴，它自己在拽。
英语小笑话7
What are the Two Words?
A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use two words. One is ‘lousy’ and the other is ‘swell’. Would you promise me that?
Why, sure, Granny, said the girl. What are the two words?
是哪两个词？
一个非常和蔼的'老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。我亲爱的，老夫人说，我希望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应永远不要用两个词，一个是“讨厌的”，另一个是“极好的”。你能答应我吗？
噢，当然，奶奶。女孩说：是哪两个词？
英语小笑话8
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly.
"Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
译文：
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。
“你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。
“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的`。”
英语小笑话9
How to Become Rich 如何致富
Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month.
弟弟：我看见你亲我姐姐了，如果你不给我五分钱，我就告诉我爸。姐姐的男朋友：不要那样做。给你五分钱。弟弟：我这个月已经赚了一块两毛五了。
英语小笑话10
1.what's the longest word in the world?世界上最长的单词是什么?
答：smiles. because there's a mile between the letter 's'.微笑。因为两个字母s中间隔了一里。
2.what question is that to which you must always answer "yes"? 什么问题你只能回答“yes”?
答："what does y-e-s spell?" (当别人问你)“yes”怎么拼?
3.where were you when the power was cut off? 当停电的时候你在哪?
答：in the darkness. 在黑暗中
4.what question can never be answered by “yes”? (哪个问题永远不能回答“是的`”?)
答：are you asleep? (你睡着了吗)
5.what tree is always very sad? (那种树总是很伤心?)
答：weeping willow. (垂柳 weep哭泣 willow柳树)
6.why are people tired on April fool's day? (愚人节人们为什么疲倦?)
答：because they have just had a long march. ( 因为他们刚过了长长的三月。march 三月;行军)
7.what weather do mice and rats fear? (老鼠害怕什么天气?)
答：when it's raining cats and dogs.(下大雨。rain cats and dogs 下大雨 )
8.when do dogs refuse to follow their masters? (狗什么时候不愿跟随主人?
答：when their masters go to the flea market.(主人去跳蚤市场时。flea 跳蚤 flea market 旧货市场 )
9.when can you get water with a net? (什么时候可以用网兜装水?)
答：when water is turned into ice. (当水结成冰时)
10.why is the pig always eating?猪为什么没完没了地吃?
答：he's making a hog of himself.它想成为一只肉猪。
英语小笑话11
a doctor came into the hospital ward and said to mr. johnson, "i have some good news and some bad news for you."
一位医生走进医院的病房，告诉强森先生：“我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告诉你。”
then mr. johnson said, "please, give me the good news first."
强森先生说：“请先告诉我好消息吧!”
so the doctor said, "the doctors here are going to name an incurable disease after you."
医生说：“本院的医师决定用你的'名字，来为一种不治之症命名。”
英语小笑话12
As the mother of three small children born two years apart, I'm often very tired in the evening. Their father and I have set strict rules that after stories，prayers, one drink and the bathroom scene，they must go to bed and stay there.
One night，after a particularly trying day，all three were finally tucked in and I headed to the kitchen for some cookies，milk and solitude. I had just started to relax when I was surrounded by three little people，standing there watching me eat. Turning to their father I asked，"Do we relent or stick with the rules?"
Our three-year-old piped up，”Stick with the rules,Mom. "
Knowing she didn't really want to be sent back to bed,I asked，"And what are the rules，Mellisa?"
"Share with one another,"she replied.
英语小笑话13
Uncle Frank, at 79, was a healthy and wealthy man, a lifelong bachelor. He courted a lot, he said, but "never boiled over-just simmered." On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country to look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends.
Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women - They're all widows now!
弗兰克叔叔七十八岁了，富有而健康。他是个终生单身汉。他曾追求过很多女孩，但“从不过热----见好就收”。一天他突发奇想，决定四处走走，去看看他那些接近一打的旧时女友。
他回来即叹道：“嘘！谢天谢地幸亏我没娶那些女人中的任何一个。如今她们都成寡妇了！”
英语小笑话14
I worked as a mailman for a short time. However, I am afraid of dogs and I had a lot of trouble.
One day I tried to deliver some letters to a big house. I started to open the gate and all of a sudden a huge dog ran towards me.It growled and barked at me, I threw the letters over the fence. The dog picked them up and carried them into the house. The dog was a better mailman than I was!
我当过很短时间的邮递员。然而，我害怕狗，而且也有过不少麻烦。
有一天，我设法到一座大房子去递送几封信。我开始打开门，这时，突然一只很大的.狗朝我跑来。它朝我嚎叫、咆哮着，因此我把信件扔在了栅栏上。那只狗拾起那些信件，把信件带进了大房子。比起我来讲，那只狗是个更好的邮递员。
英语小笑话15
GroundRules OneofmyfavoriteteachersatSoutheastMissouriStateUniversityinCapeGirardeauwasknownofhisdrollsenseofhumor.Explaininghisgroundrulestoonefreshmanclass,hesaid,"NowIknowmylecturescanoftenbedryandboring,soIdon‘tmindifyoulookatyourwatchesduringclass.Ido,however,objecttoyourpoundingthemonthedesktomakesurethey‘restillrunning."
基本原则
位于吉拉多海角的.密苏里东南州立大学有一位我非常喜欢的老师，他奇特的幽默感很是出名。在对一个新生班级讲解他的基本原则时，他说：“我知道我的讲课可能经常会枯燥乏味，了无生趣，所以如果你们在上课时看表我并不介意。不过我坚决反对你们将表在课桌上猛敲看它们是不是还在走。”
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